MY RELATIONSHIP with her has always been that of love-hate. I love her the most when we’re not talking or when we’re apart. I love her when she’s away or when I’m away. As long as I don’t see her or talk to her, I love her. It’s almost impossible for us to stay in one room without us having a fight. Our conversation kicks off okay but moments later, we’ll be discussing points then arguing then fighting then ending up not talking altogether for days… Those are my youthful recollection with her.
She was 26 years old when I was born. She was just starting a career in the food business and was she enterprising! Her world revolved around it. She worked ludicrous hours, performed tasks for three or five people at one time, laboured like there was no tomorrow. She was unstoppable. She made night, day and worked some more in the wee hours of the night. I don’t ever see her asleep!
She’s always working 24/7 it seems. And though it paid off, she lost me in the process. My memories of my childhood are somewhat vague to me. Much as I try so hard to recall, I could only come up with snippets of it. Perhaps I’m repressing it or unconsciously trying to forget that part of my life. Not that I had a completely messed up childhood. For the most part, I lived in a happy, comfortable home but it’s something I’d rather not recall. She was never there anyway. So what is there to remember?
I do remember that I was mischievous, naughty and rebellious as a kid. I had my share of corporal punishments- alot! But that’s not the fact I’m angry at the world and taking it against her. I’m mad because I never felt truly loved as a child. I was always craving for attention. It was the classic middle child syndrome. I felt I wasn’t always good-enough. The result? I tried to lived up to how they saw me. I was seen as the female version of Dennis the menace so I gave them problems! It was easy to be bad. (It still is easy now!ha!)
When I was 12, I joined my eldest sister in Manila for High School. That was just to get away from her as far as possible. Together we tried living responsibly as teenagers in the ‘big’ city. We stayed for four years in Manila and only visited our hometown on summmertime. Even then, I couldn’t befriend her. I would annoy her on end and rebel against anything she says. I always looked at her as THE enemy. I blame her for all the bad memories of my youth.
After graduating High School, I was bored sick of Manila so I joined my eldest sister, this time in Davao City. My eldest sister too was trying to stay away from her as possible. Not that far in this case, as Davao City is only a two and a half hours drive from our hometown, General Santos City. This meant that she was much closer to commute to and fro and vist us almost every weekend. I despised the whole idea. Still, I played along. It was in college that she started making ammends for the lost years. I thought she was pushing her luck. By this time, my emotions were stoned when it came to her. I resist showing any affection and if I did, it was forced. I still respect the person nonetheless, respect for what she has accomplished in her life. That was it.
After college, I thought that the best place to find the best opportunity for a career is in Manila. So, my sister and I went back to find our chance in Manila. We did find it and again we were separated from her. All my life’s objective it seemed have been trying to avoid her presence. Anywhere but with her seemed like the best place to be. Nevertheless, as fate would have it, I found myself back in my hometown after two years of working in Manila. I came back with a deep need of being home. So I was there, after 12 years of ‘running away’ I was home.
The reunion was everything but sweet. All my youthful anger came back to haunt me and I was at her again, doing what I do best- making her life miserable! I thought she made my life miserable back then, so it’s payback time! We fought endlessly. We never agreed on anything. We could not talk for even five minutes without being calm. I thought it was useless being there. We were hurting each other like crazy. I was filled wiht remorse but then I do it again. I almost intentionally would say things just to hurt her. I didn’t know what to do. No matter how many times I’ve tried making up with her. It doesn’t seem to work. I’ve been on her prayers everyday for the last 19 years. She’s probably praying that whatever evilness has struck me, I would soon snap out of it!
Then one day, it happened. We were having one of our fights. We were shouting at the top of our lungs. We were relentless! We were exhausted. The next thing we knew we were crying hard and hugging and forgiving each other and just loving. For once there was peace in our home, and in our hearts…
The thing is, I love her more than anything and anyone in the world! She has her flaws. She was never perfect but neither was I. For all her imperfections there was beauty, dignity, courage, determination, resilience, compassion in her that was unmistakably hers.
For years, I have wanted her to be the best for me. Blamed her for things I did on my own. Shame on me! Not once did I think, have I been giving her and showing her the best of me??! I should have but I never did! The best thing about this realization is that, it’s never too late! She never turned her back on me. She has always welcomed me back with open arms everytime I come back to her. No questions ask.
She left for the States in 2000. I followed her in 2004. I saw her three times since I came here. We don’t live in the same state. I am over 2000 miles away from her. I still fought with her on that three times I visited and I still fight with her over the phone whenever we talk. I just don’t get along with her. Maybe, the relationship has to be that way for it to work. Love-hate- there is such a thing.
I REALLY, TRULY, DEEPLY LOVE her. You think there is a happy ending to this? I’m working on it. Everyday, I’m still a work in progress…
You know who I’m talking about here, don’t you? You too have her around the house. She may be a ‘pain’ at times but you gotta admit, she’s the best thing that has ever happened to your life and she’s the best person you know. She, her, our mom, mama, mum, ima, ina, mommy- mother.
Hello…or better yet, “Kumusta?” Just read your article,”She”, and I was mesmerized by it. Of course, I knew who you were writing about; it’s not difficult to connect the dots. You threw us bread crumbs..and like Hansel and Gretel (I hope I have my fairy tale characters\stories right), we picked them up, “bread letters”…hungry for more. Different experiences you and I have of our “nanays”…yet we have the same deep love for them. You don’t know me. I’m an ocean away, clicking on a keyboard in a friend’s apartment in picturesque Hamburg, Germany…absorbed in your story and a bit amused at how surprises can come, if one just “flowed.”
If it doesn’t make sense…that’s ok…too much to get into. We’re strangers…but the Philippines and ’sinigang’ are two other things we have in common. That dish is one of my favorites (and will always be) AND the main reason why I clicked on your blog. Your definition of it is exactly it! I just want to share with you the amazing thing I re-learned as a Filipino. It´s true what they say about the hospitality of Filipinos. I experienced that while traveling in Rome. Keep up the stories. Magaling kang sumulat. I hope that’s how it’s written. It’s been so long…sige na.
b.
wow daghan na ka fans mai. even ppl u dont know made comments on ur lit. pang-international na jud ka hehehe… hope ul be able to convince beyts about putting up her own blog. ibet she’ll amass her own circle of fans too…incldg me of course… so long n pls keep in touch
Hello there, Im gretel from Cubao QC. I just read your article “she” i was moved and made me think about my mother also, shes a single parent and equipped with a dominant personality. I sometimes hate when she controls my life when i know im of age already. But i am also thankful that she does that sometimes because life tells me that i can always depend on her, shes my mom and im blessed that shes with me while others dont have their mothers anymore or never even knew them. I was moved with your article, I have learned to look at my mom in a different point of view and also her reflection that i see within myself.
More power and i encourage you to further write articles like these, you can touch the lives of others, change some bitter souls and make a big impact of positive realization to some people who have already lost hope.
hello, Boyett. sorry it took me awhile to figure out how to reply to you. I was like, duh! I only needed to post a message here. I didn’t think of that at first! I tried clicking on your profile but as it is, you opted to only receive messages from your friendster list. and if i invite you as a friend, i don’t have your full name or email address! So i felt lost for awhile! hehe and then I just thought today, what if I post a message on my own blog! I didn’t think I could, but here I am now trying to reply to all the good people around the globe who posted!
Maraming salamat sa iyong mensahe at sa pagbasa ng aking blog. Ito ang maganda sa internet! It connects people. It makes the world a smaller place, not as cold and as big anymore… here we are, total strangers and because of it, our paths crossed!
Enjoy your trips! There’s nothing like Filipino hospitality, I second that!! Mabuhay!
hi, Gretel! Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts with me. I think lahat ng nanay kailangan nilang maging “unlikeable” at “unloveable” minsan (ok, parati!hehe) para matuto tayong mga anak nila na lumaban sa buhay! Kung hindi sa way ng pagpapalaki ng aking ina, siguro ibang tao ako ngayon- having a totally wasted and shallow life.
On a lighter note, kumusta na ang Araneta Center? I heard they’re reviving Cubao as the premier mall district. Is that good or bad for the Cubao residents? Balitaan mo ako!
Hi Mae,
I like your post. I can easily relate to it. Maybe what you felt is what I felt only that mine is more suppressed. But I think you said it all and just reading your post makes me feel I am you.
But as you said in your reply to a comment, mothers make us whole. If they pamper us too much, we wouldn’t be as independent as we’re supposed to be.
Thanks for finding your way to my site. I’m glad to know that you connected with ‘She’- (I’m still thinking to this day if I should let her read this entry. Am not sure how she’d react…hmmm. what do you think?!)